What is Love?

Arthur and I started meeting weekly on the 1 st of February 2023, with the intention of writing down the story of his life. Wednesday mornings became the highlight of my week! We finished writing the book in December 2023, but continued to meet for the editing.

Thus Arthur came over on Wednesday morning, and we shared our usual cup of tea, talking about what has been happening, which usually brings us to a particular topic or story.
“On this day 61 years ago, I married Bonnie” Arthur smiled wryly. “Amazing to think that that girl has put up with me for 61 years! And she is still beautiful. That’s why I am still with her. We
made it! And they said it would never work! The boys were talking about it at our wedding. Because she had a powerful personality. A no nonsense girl. They thought she was too powerful for me, that she would overrun me.”

I nodded and thought back over that section of his life, which occupies a large chapter in our book.
“I always wondered if Frank knew you worked at Teen Ranch when he drove Bonnie there” I ventured.
“I wondered if he was playing Cupid”
Arthur raised his eyebrows. “I don’t know. Never thought about it.”
If he did, it would not lessen the miracle of them getting back
together.

Why was Arthur’s uncle Percy so insistent that he should go and see Laurie Story, a man he had met for perhaps ten minutes in San Francisco some time ago? Arthur filled in another piece of the puzzle. There had been a series of events and meetings which led Arthur to Bonnie, some would call it providence, we call it the hand of God.

“Laurie and Percy were part of CBMC – Christian Businessmen’s conference that’s where they connected and must have spoken
about Laurie meeting Arthur. Laurie’s wife played music with Bonnie, and Bonnie was the only person Arthur knew in Toowoomba, where Laurie came from. It is a story worthy of
being filmed. You can read the whole story in Arthur’s biography “My Life: Like a turtle on a fence post – the biography of Arthur Bartlett”

“I was telling one of the nurses about our Anniversary, and she asked how we met. I told her I knew her since I was fourteen, and she was sixteen. But of course, sixteen-year-old girls
don’t look at fourteen-year-old boys. They look at the eighteen-year-olds.”

My observation as a Life Coach is that two years is a huge gap for kids, especially in their teens. Once everyone is over 20 and working, it no longer matters, they become more of equals.

However, some boys are still boys when they are in their thirties. Arthur knows all this too well from having been a Chaplain to kids for 50 years, first at Teen Ranch in New South Wales, and mostly, Mill Valley Ranch in Gippsland. He often had to render relationship advice to teenagers, but also to adults, as he was also a Chaplain to the racing car Industry.

Even to this day, people come to him for advice. He told me of the latest one, who had entered a relationship with a man who put his own needs before her wellbeing. “What did you tell her?” I asked. Arthur replied, “Be very careful. It might be starting to hurt because you have developed feelings for him. You have to make up your mind” I nodded.

Arthur continued, “Keep your own integrity. He has to man
up. If he is not willing to do the right thing by you, you can’t trust the man. Sometimes you just need to finish it. The best thing to do when you are finished with the toilet is you push the button and send him off. He is finished, he is now out of sight out of mind.” He grins. I sigh.

In the bible, we hear the lament in the Song of songs “I conjure you, daughters of Jerusalem, do not arouse or awaken love before it’s time.” Song of Songs, 2:7;3:5;8:4

Our discussion widened, Our society makes a great deal about love. But what is love? We expect it to last a lifetime, and yet far too often, it appears to evaporate. Was it love, then?

Arthur said “You’ve got to differentiate between the different forms of love.”

He mentioned Eros, Philia and Agape. After our meeting about the book, I did some more research into the subject.

The Greeks actually had six definitions for love:
Philautic – Self-Love. Not a selfish love, but an acceptance of ones own strengths, weaknesses, successes and failures. It is what Jesus referred to when he said “And love your neighbour like yourself” Matthew 22:39. For how can you love your neighbour if you cannot love yourself?

Eros – Romantic love, desire, sexual attraction. Eros is like a fire; it sparks and burns and consumes but can run out of fuel. The other person loses appeal when that is all there is. It can be brought back, it is normal for it to wax and wane. Though longed for in a marriage, it is not enough to sustain the test of time. Eros can change though, into Philia.

Philia – Affectionate love, platonic in nature, there is not the physical attraction, but an understanding of the other as an equal. It is found between friends and relations. Philia is
reliable.

Storge – Familiar love, the love between a parent and their child. As the first love we experience, it shapes us and our understanding of love. It is self-sacrificing and renews itself
with as little as a smile.

Mania – Obsession. Fuelled by low self-esteem, it manifests in controlling behaviour, jealousy, outrage. The individual craves love, and fears to lose it, so they try to force love. Submission by the partner though leads to them loosing their love for the Maniac, resulting in the very thing the Maniac feared: To be left. Though it mimics love, it is not healthy, like too much food or too much wine. It seeks fulfilment without consideration, therefore, can it even be called love?

Ludus – Playful love, is one of the first stages of ‘falling in love’ – those butterflies which will not fly in formation and make one all jittery and full of giggles. It is euphoric, but flittery like a
butterfly, leaving and reappearing throughout a relationship.

Pragma – Enduring love, won through effort and compromise, communication and consistency. It weathers the storms of life when eros and ludus have run for cover. Pragma gives and takes in equal measures; it requires to be answered to form and endure. Pragma stays through shifting body shapes, health challenges and financial difficulties.

Agape – Unconditional love. A love that gives and keeps on giving, expecting nothing in return. It means complete acceptance of the other. It is everlasting. It is the complete form of love.

Love, thus categorised, is easy to analyse. Love in a relationship can shift and change between all of them, with one or the other at the forefront. Yet when we fall in love, we want the butterflies of Ludus followed by Eros, and wild proposals are made in this state.

During our conversation, when we discussed Eros, Agape and Philia, I posed the question to Arthur:
“So, a lot of marriages start off the wrong way then, don’t they?” He smiled and nodded.
“It’s 80% friendship and 20% bed performance. Without the first, the second doesn’t work”
Arthur is right, of course. “After the honeymoon is over, you’ve got to live with that person 24/7, warts and all, you’ve got to put up with their bad habits and everything else. The honeymoon is over, and they are stuck together in a house. If they are not going to get on in the house and work together with the house and everything else, which is 80% of the time. The courtship and everything else is only in the spare time, how much time do you spend on that, too?”

There are some excellent books written on the subject of the differences between men and women, how they experience love and what their needs are, like “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus “ by John Gray, or “The five love languages “ by Gary Chapman.

Arthur continued, “They have moved sex from being family orientated to commercialism. Look at the girls, in their new outfits, so much cleavage showing, see through stuff, showing their naked body” is his observation.

We women like the attention of men, the admiring glances – but when they lead to wolf whistles, crude remarks, groping or worse, we are hurt and offended. While men do need to know what is acceptable behaviour, and our society is working hard on the
education of men for this, Arthur ponders if women don’t also have a role to play and responsibility to shoulder in how much they expose themselves. We consider this train of
thought.

How much is sold these days with sexual overtures? Being attractive is considered in a
sexual, not a sensual sense, and people confuse sex with love. Thus, girls will dress to expose themselves, thinking they need to do this to be attractive. But what do they really attract?
“They talk about ‘making love’ when really, they are just having sex” Arthur states.
What is the difference? Sex is about self-gratification, whereas making love is about nurturing the other. Try to explain that to kids! Of course, these are not words kids want to
hear from their parents. Arthur came up with a novel way to teach kids at the camps about relationships. He would ask them: “has your mother taught you girls to keep the boys at arm’s length?”

“What’s arm’s length?” they would ask. Arthur would stretch out his arms in front of him, clasping his arms to form a circle. “Not in here” he would exhort, pointing to the inner circle, “but out here! That’s were the boys have got to stay, out there” on the outside of the arms.
“When you let the boys in here, then you have become real lovers, but you don’t let them come in there first. Friends walk side by side and hold hands. When your friendship develops into love, then you can allow that person into that area.” The inner circle. “You can still give them a kiss over this way” he adds cheekily, bending over sideways over the circle.
“You don’t have to have it in here” the inner circle of the arms. These were the type of talks which were held around the campfire. It gave the girls a standard.

Returning to the question of why people get married for the wrong type of love, Arthur returns to Eros: “Too many people marry for lust, and when they don’t get their lust satisfied so therefore they split up. If you are not getting into the 80%, then the 20% is gone.”
So then, what of the other 80%? 
“The biggest problem is expectations” Arthur reckons. “It’s a horrible thing, really, expectations. It is hard to stop expectations. They lead to disappointments and arguments.”

Where do expectations come from?
Psychologists explain that what we experienced as children, and saw role modelled. It creates our perception of love. If we always got a gift on our birthday, we expect it from our partner. If the parents were controlling, then that must be love, right? 
Some people are aware that their yearning had not been fulfilled. Perhaps they craved for time spent together, while expensive presents left them cold. If their parents were time poor, they would have felt unloved or not loved enough. Kids who do not feel loved properly at home are more likely to seek it elsewhere, with the first person who pays them the attention they crave, without the discernment maturity brings. 

Some parents practice conditional love, based on behaviour and performance. How hard it is to keep earning that love, what pressure for the young heart and mind to bear. The parent
believes they are doing the right thing, preparing their child to become successful. But a life requires love to truly succeed.
Then what of the best way? Agape, the love given unconditionally.

We can turn to the Bible for the answer. Paul explains it in 1Corinthians 13: 4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no account of wrongs. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

If you can substitute the word ‘love’ for the name of your partner, how they treat you and others, then you have found someone who truly loves.
It is a mirror of how God loves us. He loves us whether we succeed or fail, whether we obey or are stubborn. It is not a sloppy love, for he will chastise in order to improve us.

John 15:2
In all, God has our best interest at heart, whether he grants a prayer or doesn’t.

Now if you do find someone who develops that true love for you, and keeps loving you- for love is a verb, it is something we do- how do you keep such a gem?
Will you treasure it, safeguard it, nurture it? That is what is meant with “to cherish”. The old vows called the couple to cherish each other “In good times and in bad, in sickness and in health”
That is not easy, it requires work!

“Oh, we had our times” Arthur admits, for no life is free of
trials. “What is love? When God put us together, all those circumstances coming together, that has cemented our love for each other, how everything dovetailed together. You can
have the assurance that it wasn’t me chasing her or her chasing me. It was all brought about by circumstances, as how we were brought together.”
Laurie having met Arthur and Percy, must have asked Percy whether they were related, and asked Percy to bring Arthur up next time he was in Brisbane. Truly a miraculous way. “That is the beautiful part about God – He organised it for me, they were all circumstances outside my control. I did not organise anything, I did not chase Bonnie.”

Having the sense that God brought them together formed a meaningful foundation which had to be respected. “And it taught me the different parts about love, too, in it all. You are
learning that the 80%, it’s not just feelings. You have got to understand the parts of love, with loving each other unconditionally, which is God’s love, Gods love for us and loving each other unconditionally. If you put conditions, you have expectations in it.

“Over the years we saw many couples we were friends with divorce over difficulties we worked through.”

I observe without pride, having wondered at times if I was just stupid to stick to out.
Arthur nods. “The foundation has to be right. “What is the foundation? Belief, Devotion, Commitment. Sometimes it just comes down to that, and the love has to be rebuilt, like a fire low on fuel.

Devotion and commitment are two values which form part of our beliefs. Shared values and beliefs are essential to work together harmoniously. (This applies to business relationships
just as much as to marriage). Our values also fuel our expectations, which is why it is so important that a couple share the same values. It makes them compatible.

When the days come during which there seems little love left, the couple have to ask themselves, what had we neglected to get so low? Yes, love can be rekindled to warm our hearts again. Doing again what tied them together in the first place, those shared
experiences and fun times, laughter! Remembering what is important to them, why they got together in the first place, and finding what is worth staying for. Those shared values and
beliefs. Especially when there is a sense that their union was meant to be.

When people understand the different parts of love, and consider whether what they feel is Ludus, Eros or Philia for a start, it clears up the confusion. Is it love, lust or do we just like each other?
“It is best to be best friends first, and let it develop into real love. When you start to learn your compatibility together. You have to get past all the silly stuff of dating. In the dating you need to establish your compatibility, or understand each other: what do I like about him (Her) or what do I dislike about him (her)? Can I put up with their bad habits? Because that can drive a wedge into any type of relationship. If he (or she) is good looking, and that is
all there is – “

Really getting to know a person before letting them into your personal space can save so much heartache.

It is great having a yarn with Arthur, he has so much life experience. Though he is officially retried as a Chaplain, he is still happy to offer advice. Given his track record, it is worthwhile
to take it.

Here is to celebrating 61 years of love